Monday, February 16, 2015

This was to be expected

Urgh, haven't even found the motivation to write about this to the blog, but what with the Blackrock Foundry and all the new content, I've been a bit busy. As my guild got to 10/10 Normal clear yesterday, I figured I'd finally have some time to sit down with some tea and make an entry about how I ended up switching my guild in WoW.

As I mentioned previously, things were getting pretty heated, although I never went in-depth about how badly. Things were getting to the point where I found myself disinterested towards the game and increasingly nervous and scared of the raids. I felt I wasn't doing a single thing right, and the feedback wasn't proving me otherwise.

The largest problem was that I felt I had no channel of communication with my guild leader. Although friends, or at least acquintances, it seemed to me that every conversation about my healing ended up in arguments which started to drag out personal traits instead of just technical issues.

As some time passed on, I started to avoid talking to people in the guild altogether. I did not want to comment on anything, I did not want to suggest anything, I did not want to question anything, because it felt like every word I said was undermining some holy authority. (Trying to talk about this issue was not helping.)

At some point two of my friends, Zae and Fox, whom with I have been playing League of Legends and WoW for a few years now, decided to intervene. Fox was the more straight-forward one; he got right to the point and said that if I don't like my guild I should just up it and leave.

"But I can't leave because it's all my fault guilty victim mentality should just be better don't deserve other things blah."

His reaction was to call me out on my bullshit.

"Shen, you're miserable. You and your guild leader obviously clash too much for it to be nice. When was the last time you enjoyed raiding or were looking forward to it?" He was the one who talked to me after the raids, so he was also the one who heard most of my "not feeling too well"-speeches of the emotions raiding awoke in me.

So he was right, but there was still the point of

"But I must try to clear it out, to talk it through, maybe it's all just a misunderstanding and I'm a bad person if I just up and leave without trying to talk about it and solve the problems blah blah."

Zae is a silent kind of person, who has mostly just been sitting on the background in our Skype calls while we have been talking and ranting with Fox. But apparently they had been discussing about this one, and apparently she has a thing against personal shitty feedback and the "oh, okay..." response to it.

"Who has been trying to solve the issue for weeks and months now? You. Maybe this is just not a solvable issue."

tl;dr: Friends telling you they hate to see you so miserable over something you're supposed to love, and letting you know that if you won't up and leave, they'll hack your account and do it for you.

So I had another talk with my guild leader, this time about leaving the guild.

Zae and Fox were both being there for me as I had the conversation, and approximately around the time where the response was pretty much along the lines of "if you leave the guild will die" I realized that I was done with the constant guilt-trip triggers.

Do note. He is not a bad person (neither am I, I hope) but seeing that the issue was with our personalities being very very incompatible, I had to treat it as a non-fixable problem. Both of us were making each other miserable, and that kind of thing is not good for the guild.

Also, I feel it's important to point out that nobody else in the guild had this problem, so the only problem in here was with me. And, despite all that was said and done, I did appreciate the guild and didn't want to burden them. If I was the problem, there was only one logical outcome to the situation, as I had spent weeks trying to solve the issue, talk it out, to let it lie, and nothing I had tried had helped.

So in the end I told him I am going to leave the guild. The conversation itself was pretty decent, but as the aftermath of it begun, the point of it seemed to be to comb through the faults in my personality with the "I can't see why you couldn't even try"-lenses on, I lost my shit.

Maybe I wouldn't have if I wouldn't have done nothing else than try for the past months. To try and understand, to try and better myself, to try and solve my issues, to try and discuss what bothered me, to try and be as open and constructive as possible. Maybe I sucked, maybe I was a terrible person, but I did everything I could. Everything.

I was so done I couldn't even.

For few days I just idled around and tried to deal with the overwhelming feeling of guilt over leaving the guild. Zae and Fox kept telling me that I had no reason to feel guilty, but for me that's not a feeling which can be rationalized. However, one feeling rose above the guilt, and that feeling was relief. Relief of not being the hindrance anymore. Relief of not having to be afraid of my lack of skill anymore. Relief that, no matter what the reason, I would no longer have to be a negative impact on my guild leader's mood. If I had been waiting for a sign, the relief was it.

I did not intend to join another guild after that, so I just wandered aimlessly around my Garrison.

One day I brought up the subject of Blackrock Foundry coming out to my two friends, and that I had been fully prepared to raid through all the new content. The idea of PuGging through the content release did not appeal to me, so Zae poked me with a link to her guild's application page. I have to admit I was super skeptical at first - why would they want a hindrance like me in their guild?  - but filled out the application nevertheless.

I was in luck, they were looking for a priest, and my application got approved instantly. I became the trialist and was looking nervously forward to the first raid with them.

"Hello, I'm your new disc priest, sorry."
From the very first moment I knew that I would like it here. People were talkative, social and joking. I had completely forgotten raiding - or guilds - could be like that. Whilst I was giggling (PTT off of course) at the dick jokes, I also made a firm decision to make it to the guild. I wanted in so badly.

After the first raid I checked my recount, and...

.. holy fuck, what is this?

I had topped every single healing meter in the fight, pushing the amounts of healing I was supposed to and more. The original healers in the guild did not stand a chance. They were not bad, but somehow I was just better. Others noticed this as well, and I got "we hate you. Nah jk we love you but leave some healing for us as well"-messages from the other healers, and messages of approval from everyone else.

The usual trial period for the guild is three weeks, but after slightly over a week the social officer whispered me and told me to prepare myself for a surprise. I was confused at first, then I saw the guild message.

"<Shena> has been promoted to Raider."

Wuh.. wha--- what?

I was then invited to a Ventrilo chat, where I was told that "exceptional performance can reduce the length of a trial", and that since I way surpassed the other healers in the guild, they had nothing to complain about as long as I'd continue the same way. Also something about how I was the second best discipline priest on the realm.

Wwait what?

"Yeah, and your item level is lower than that of the first priest, so you'll probably pass them."

Wwwwhat? No wait there must be a mistake I'm a hindrance and a failure and what is this I don't even.

Then they just laughed at me and told me to enjoy the raiding. And quite honestly? That's what I've been doing for past weeks, ever since Blackrock Foundry came out. It's still hard, I still have a lot to learn from the fights and my class, and I still get harsh feedback. But I don't care. The feedback is no longer personal, and the progress is top priority. That, and I already feel like a part of the guild. Compared to feeling outsider for a long, long period of time, this change feels nice. These new people with their dick jokes, strong characters and warm, ambitious attitude have managed to make me feel at home.

Other than that, I had to stop streaming because of PC-related issues. I will never ever ever buy a laptop again, and am now in the progress of putting together a new PC. Hopefully I'll be able to continue streaming then, but as raiding the BFR has taken up a majority of my time, I haven't had enough spare moments to speed up the process of getting back behind the camera.

6/10 HC by the way. And the streak will continue tonight.

(Edit: I edited this post slightly to better reflect on the actual situation and my own thoughts and feelings about it, instead of just ranting. No factual changes, just some wordings and a note that I do not consider anyone in my previous guild to be a bad person.)

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