Wednesday, August 29, 2012

"... that the world had forgot about her and moved on."

That's the sad thing about life. And lately (for the last one or two weeks I guess) it's been kind of a sad week for me. Losing a friend is never fun, and it's never fun to even argue with one. But if it degenerates into mild sadism in regards of one-sided arguing (for once, me being the silent party in the conversation), and it happens to be someone who knows everything about you and knows exactly where to strike, well...


... yeah, Rin. Pretty serious.

I'm not good at hiding my emotions, or how I feel. I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut. But right now I feel like I've tried everything, from saying it straight out loud into keeping silent. If my "reward" for trying everything is that I'm allowed to be taken out for a walk, just so that I could hear more of my flaws, everything I ever did wrong (apparently since WWI), everything I will do wrong, all the things that are wrong about me, and general blame, I will walk away.


I wish I could throw a bitch fit. I wish I was able to close people off from my life and just "well, fuck you then" and up and go with it. I can't say "go away". I don't like avoiding people, it feels like end of the world to me. And I always want to try until the very end, try my best, 150% and more. But right now I don't know what to do anymore. And here I was thinking that only two girls could strike up so much drama.

For the past days, I've been silent, accomodating and "nice girl" in general. For the past days, I've been fading myself away from lives of few people who apparently would feel worlds happier if I disappeared. I've known these people for years, so after trying my best to solve the situation and only get shot in the face with the bullshit gun is kinda making me feel blue.


It's not easy to get up in the morning to make breakfast for Marc few hours before my work starts and then prepare lunch, trying to act chirpily whenever he's home because I want to keep supporting him. But I do realize that I wouldn't have to do it. I keep doing it in an attempt to try and keep myself from stopping completely. Because if I would fall down into that pit of depression, I'm certain I couldn't crawl back up again.

So I wake him up, make breakfast for him, cheer him up for the day until he leaves - and then spend few hours in silent depression and wallowing in emotions I don't want to bother him with. I'm really glad and lucky to have a great work team; the hours fly past as we work together, and I'll be able to forget my depression for a while again. Then, when I get home, I usually have one or two hours before Marc comes home, so if I need to vent something out, I can do it before he comes back.


What really bothers me is the amount of naive trust I've placed in people. Or, rather, the friend in question. I would never have expected that it would come down to this. So I started to read Katawa Shoujo again, with every intention of Rin's route in my mind. I guess I could use some help from someone as detached as I feel at my worst. (Poor Rin, she feels like that all the time.)


And yeah, I've thought of it as well. Jumping to Misha for a moment, yes, I considered that "well, if it's so much better without me, they can't be the only people in the world thinking that" and just downing myself from the bridge I always hated in the town I spent my teen years in. I bought a bottle of liqueur and a package of cigarettes. Haven't drank so much in a good while, haven't smoked anything in two years. And I did consider it. But, as you might be able to guess when reading this, I didn't.


I just don't know. And right now everything I can say about the matter is:


Rin, I'll be here after work. I really want to have a long talk with you.

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